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If Microsoft Built Car's



1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motor way for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

11. The airbag system would say "Are You Sure?" before going off.




If Microsoft Made Car's - Part 2





12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they do not own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

17. If you still ran old versions of car (i.e.. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11 ), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a road next to each other.





If Microsoft Built Car's - Part 3



by: Jason Gibson


21. You would have to make a backup copy of your engine before you drove on any roads which are under construction.

22. Microsoft Car '95 will tell you about every bump and scratch, no matter how small, in the road you are driving on. It will make sure you feel every bump in the road too.

23. Seat-belts are not factory-installed, and they are not an option when you buy the car from Microsoft. You'd have to buy them from other companies like McAfee and Symantec.

24. Sometimes, while driving cross-country, your car will change from its normal, single color, to a rainbow-colored, scrambled cube, and it will stop instantly, right in the middle of the road. You will then have to start your cross-country trip over from the beginning. Microsoft will blame this occurrence on the sunglasses you were wearing at the time.

25. Most roads have on-ramps to the Information Highway, but you have to pay a toll to use these on-ramps. If you don't pay the toll, your car will tell you that the on-ramp isn't really there.

26. Even though the Car '95 looks like a fancy, Italian sports car on the showroom floor, when you get it into your garage, it somehow loses half its cylinders and gets 3 flat tires. Somehow you wouldn't notice this, and you would complain about how poorly it drives.

27. Car '95 comes with a fully functional CD Player, but you have to buy the speakers separately, and then you would have to train the CD Player to use your speakers.

28. If you have a particularly old tape you want to listen to, Car '95 might tell you that it's blank when you know darn well there's music on it, because you were just listening to it in your friend's reliable old Dos Car.

29. Your license plates would be 20 digits long, and they would go something like "12345-OEM-678909-87654." You wouldn't be able to start your car unless it had plates on it. You and your friends could make copies of license plates, but if you are caught with a copied license plate, you can forget about driving for a while...

30. Car '95 would not come with headlights, windshield wipers, or shock-absorbers, because Microsoft expects you to drive only during the day, when the weather is nice, and on the newest, smoothest roads.

31. The new '98 model of the Microsoft Car will actually come with a spare tire!

32. The Microsoft Car NT5 will have a firewall, so that if an evil mechanic starts to work on your car while you are driving it, you will notice it even less than if you were driving a Car NT4 or Car '95.

33. Installing a radio into your car would be more difficult than now, because not only do you have to hook it up, you have to teach the car how to use it.

34. Before you take something out of the trunk, your car would ask you, "Are you sure?"

35. You would have to make backup copies of your registration before you ever did any custom work on your car, because some customization work will cause your car's registration to mysteriously disappear.

36. If you are ever involved in a crash, Microsoft will blame it on your style of driving.